Know Your Enemy

As my wife and I continue to work with married   couples, we are constantly reminded of the powerful weapons that Satan wields in his fight against God's sovereignty.  One of his favorite tactics with married couples is to convince them that it is the spouse who is the enemy in the spiritual war in which we are all engaged. (Ephesians 6:10-20)

"God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him...For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.'" (Genesis 2:18, 24) This passage has profound implications for us humans, God's children.
Consider that God declared that it is NOT good for the man to be alone. Nevertheless, we men, in the current American culture, tend to be loners.  And the worst of it is that we continue to be loners after the wedding. God made us for relationship, first with Himself and next with our spouses.

Whereas most women tend to be more relational than most men, God intended for all of us to be relational, that is, to "do" life together. It is true that God made men and women different. We are not only different physically, but mentally and emotionally, too. That is not an excuse, my fellow males, to shut your wife out of your life, a thing too many of us do with frightening regularity. In fact, the value of relationships is to profit from the diversity that each of us brings to the table.

Our text continues by saying that God made a "helper" suitable for the man.  Are we to construe this word to mean that the woman is someone made to be a lackey; a go-fer; an Igor to Dr. Frankenstein?  (Do you really want to be Dr. Frankenstein?) If you consider that Greek translations of the Old Testament use the same word here (paraclete) as they do in John 14:26, when Jesus is describing the Helper whom God will send to dwell with us, i.e., the Holy Spirit, you are unlikely to be so deceived.  This is a helper to empower us and provide wisdom and strength.  This is a helper with whom we are to be equally yoked (II Corinthians 6:14), that is, we are to be harnessed together as a team, pulling for the glory of God.  Robert Andrews, in his wonderful book The Family: God's Weapon for Victory describes it this way: husband and wife are a "one-flesh fighting unit."

But I am a little ahead of myself.  Before God tells us that we become one flesh with our wives, there are two other things that He expects to happen. First, "a man shall leave his father and mother."  How many couples we have counselled who missed this step entirely.  Husbands  Who Won't Lead and Wives Who Won't Follow is another good book on this subject.  Our passage says, "A man shall leave his father and mother."  It does not say "may leave" or "might want to consider leaving" or "it is suggested, if reasonably convenient, that a man leave."  This is a commandment, guys. So leave, already!

Don't let parents bully, shame, coax, cajole, wheedle or otherwise influence you into running your household their way.  Man up!  If you are not ready to be the head of your own household, don't burden your beloved with a meally-mouthed, spineless, namby-pamby husband.  God appointed you the head of the household (Ephesians 5:23).  Wives, this applies to you, as well; if you are not willing to respect and  submit to the leadership of your betrothed, don't saddle him with a nagging, shrewish ball and chain. Break the engagement, now.  Many a woman has entered into holy matrimony with the goal of emending her husband's faults, only to discover that, whereas Jesus told us all things are possible with God, with men, not so much.

Your spouse is NOT the enemy.  Build boundaries into and around your marriage. Your parents may have given you good advice when you were younger, and they may still have good advice to offer, but it is ONLY appropriate when it comes at YOUR request, not at their insistence.  Then, give it due consideration before prayerfully making YOUR OWN DECISION, which is not subject to review or criticism from your parents or anyone else.

The second thing God commanded is "be joined to your wife."  Your wife, at the day of your wedding, in a process which the Apostle Paul calls a mystery (Ephesians 5:32), becomes a part of your being; flesh of your flesh and bone of your bone; your next (very next) of kin.  If you are brother and sister in Christ, you already share His blood.  Realize that she is "my sister, my spouse." (Song of Solomon 4:9)  And while you are at it, remember that God commands you to be "enraptured by her love" (Proverbs 5:19).

All of this is to happen before you become one flesh with her in the physical, literal sense.  Is it any wonder that God has told us that sexual union outside of marriage is forbidden?  Once the banns have been read, commemorating your commitment to marry her and hers to you, the process begins.  In ancient Jewish culture, betrothal was as binding as marriage, requiring a bill of divorcement to break the commitment.  Less than a hundred years ago, people brought lawsuits for "breach of promise," when an engagement suffered a unilateral break. That is why Joseph was so troubled when he learned that Mary, his betrothed, was with child.  He wanted to "put her away quietly," rather than put her and himself through the scandal and humiliation of public divorce. (Matthew 1:19)

So, marriage is not, as is commonly said in our current culture, "just a piece of paper." It is a mysterious process of turning a man and a woman into a one flesh fighting unit in God's army. To be sure, they remain individuals, and yet in some magical way, they are irretrievably joined.  As such, they are helper and friend, sister and spouse, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. "For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church." (Ephesians 5:29)

Know your enemy. It is clear that your enemy is NOT your spouse.  Your enemy is, in the words of Paul, "...the devil...principalities... powers...rulers of the darkness of this age...spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:11-12) When you run up against the trials that life in this fallen world inevitably brings, "Count it all joy...knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." (James 1:3-4)  You are not in this battle alone, for you have a Helper, Who will "teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all things that Jesus said to you." (John 14:26) And if you are fortunate enough to be married, you have yet another helper, suitable for you. Engage in the battle together, and your burden will be lighter.

To paraphrase the immortal cartoon character, Pogo, "We have met the enemy, and he ain't your spouse."